Everything seems to have changed. It could be that I am more attuned to this change and my imagination is outward looking due to subjective wandering for social status. But the staff at Jones Day are incarnate in the realms as driving my desire for enlightenment and dealing with the Royal Family is not easy but for the break in reality caused by the Americans and their general psychosis for the Spirit interacting with material nature to keep me in check and to keep seeing the light. The staff at Dog’s Trust are there in Kali Yuga’s realms and turning over to bypass the jump forward I made with Enlightennext and Hare Krishna to see the world as possessing these traits and embodying this change in life when in fact they are Muggles and would shop and play football for the mere fact of not letting social media dictate to them what they do in life and be bound by the nation and be nation centric and me focussed to not be bothered by upwardly mobile spiritualism to direct the life of God into each house but to see it at every footstep and every outfit. These are not the things that make this wise learned and during enlightenment chop wood and drink water seems to be the best advice.
The tosser and pulling machine is now the successful class pivoting to his elder as having been suffered in the world war and my lot are nowhere to be seen. This is an odd level of independence and reminds me of how I envied his sexual prowess and sought to imitate him through the movies and search for love and marriage outside of the caste system.
Today it seemed like I had not grown up. The timeline behind me is one of my imagination busy with the heads of people imagined to be in my life from the past. It has however been a solitary affair and only my mother and brother have been in it constantly. I have been chasing those shadows and have seen the fruitless goals and dreams they carried. For once I feel something worthwhile is opening up inside my home and I do not want to waste it.
Death has been a sturdy reminder of what life has to bring and the air of the ghastly spectre is to fathom an awakening of shock to bring me to my knees before The Creator to beg his mercy in the meantime and peace of mind with which to cope with plans for funerals and such things and the panic I feel inside of me to be abated like my brother seems to have solved the problem and occasionally seems to lapse and let go. My mother is the most sanguine in this light and again I feel like a child to cope with the practical nature of death far from ego renunciation and the philosophies I have had merry times with in the past. May God speed my mind to better times and my life to more repose and quietitude.
Writing deep things and poems like The Nothing Brigade could be courting disaster as these things get likes on WordPress by younger selves who could echo that you seem to know what these things are about so where is the big idea now? Is this a writer’s life and does the self face blackmail to know all and is this what Jehovah meant when he said something about soul omniscience? The pressure to have all the answers and be ready for life when being seen to write to that effect and be invulnerable to the naked eye watching your success? This success is related to the phone as well and the phone is a mobile computer with opportunities for success and wealth as one uses it and its connection to the worlds of others – how far this is from my simple life and how painful to use and be connected to. The iPhone connects potentially up anyone’s phone across the world of any wealth and stature and age grouping and this is an embarrassment to the search for a quiet life and quiet mind and a mirror of one’s own expectations as one sees one’s life in one’s minds eye. I have had my brush with fame with Bon Jovi, Patrick Stewart and Natalie Portman all contacting me in my bedroom with only my iPhone and years of writing behind me with no normal contact to speak of. This was not good and passed painfully to boot and was an embarrassment to me. Not in the least because it was my shadow that actually wants to get rich quick and be famous. It wants quick change of circumstances and to move house and celebrate: Take part in Church services and be well to do and play a popular part in the Mandir and have all of one’s internal problems solved.
This is illusion and grand delusions of grandeur. I cannot stomach this change and could not go through such a rapid turn around but it has nonetheless been troubling my mind and making me feel uneasy for some years now and since those celebrities contacted me I have been feeling unwell and panicked to publish rubbish and be I’ll thought out of as a self enterprise with the American way of life staring back at me from all those emails I sent out.
This search for fame has been echoing my thoughts back to me and sending my concentration skewered as I found out that I focussed irregulary ahead of me and was looking around here and there for such and such phenomenon to strike it quick due the computer and internet/mobile phone: This is the multiverse and I can see it more clearly now that have written it out. Hopefully using WordPress as opposed to TikTok and Instagram will abate this issue as will delayed posting from the time of writing too (too self conscious).
I feel watched by celebrities and can see the spy self that they inhabit making art for their national leaders. This mind expanding perspective warrants some rest and consideration.
It was just a messenger or a social media video but it was a strain this placed on my mind that was frustrating and I cannot stomach seeking no excuse for as it is the dream of every writer to make it rich and be famous: But surely there are mitigating factors with the smartphone affecting how one writes or if one writes at all with the effect that one does not write with pen and paper?
They were my dream come true from childhood which means to pick better dreams in the future: And to manage my adult life more responsibly and perhaps get a job in the meantime to better sort through my time and affairs.
Stress.
Wild Stage 2 